There is an Empathy Deficit in Leadership. Is the Patriarchy to Blame?
Empathy is a leadership competency, and its absence is hurting people and performance. Here’s what it is, why it’s missing, and how patriarchy keeps it out of reach.
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About Me
I am the unapologetically fierce, globally sought-after architect of workplace gender equity. I am the go-to strategist for organisations ready to stop ticking boxes and start leading with intelligence, emotional, social, and business. As the author of The Leadership Compass and founder of the Lead to Soar Network, I enable companies to build systems that work for women and women to build careers that soar.
We’re not suffering from a shortage of innovation or strategic thinking in leadership. The real crisis is a catastrophic empathy deficit.
Truth Bomb: Leadership pipelines are still churning out emotionally stunted managers, not leaders.
And I reckon it’s patriarchy that’s responsible.
I’m exploring what empathy in leadership really means, why not enough leaders demonstrate it, and how workplaces can stop mistaking emotional detachment for competence.
Empathy is a core leadership competency. And, like oxygen, you really notice when it’s missing. Culture fractures. Trust disappears. Innovation grinds to a halt.
Dr Daniel Goleman, who popularised emotional intelligence, calls empathy one of the non-negotiables for effective leadership. Without it, there’s no EQ. And without EQ, you’ve got leaders who are getting shit done in all the wrong ways.
What Empathy Is (and Is Not)
Empathy isn’t guessing how someone feels and moving on. It’s not performative caring. It’s not emotional overinvestment.
According to Goleman, empathy shows up in three forms:
Cognitive empathy: understanding what someone else is thinking
Emotional empathy: sensing what someone else is feeling
Empathic concern: caring about someone else’s well-being
Empathic leaders notice what’s unspoken. They understand how someone sees a situation without needing it spelled out. They listen in ways that make people feel understood.
Truth Bomb: An empathetic leader is a high EQ leader.
Patriarchy Grinds Empathy Out of Leaders
Not every empathy-deficient leader is a man. But patriarchy shapes leadership in ways that actively discourage empathy.
Men are raised on a model that values control. They’re taught to project strength, manage performance, maintain composure, and never let emotion get in the way. Vulnerability becomes weakness. Care becomes invisible.
This is patriarchy at work: it tells men that connection is weakness and tells women that connection is over-emotional. Then it punishes both for not playing along.
The outcome? Leadership groups packed with people who can’t name what their team is feeling, management teams that avoid acknowledging distress, and leaders pushing through without asking if anyone’s okay.
Emotionally Intelligent Leaders Know What They Cause
In The Leadership Compass, I challenge every leader to complete this sentence:
“Hi, my name is ________. I’m a leader, and I cause ________.”
Most can’t answer it. Not because they’re bad leaders, but because they’ve never been asked to care about their impact beyond the bottom line.
High-EQ leaders know the answer. They reflect. They’re aware of how their presence affects others. They recognise tension without a word being spoken. They adjust their behaviour to create psychological safety. They carry emotional labour because they understand it’s part of the job.
Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Empathy?
I do not want to romanticise empathy or pretend it’s the only leadership attribute that matters.
Goleman warns that unchecked empathy without accountability creates problems, too. Every strength has a shadow side.
In empathy-heavy teams, leaders sometimes withhold feedback to avoid discomfort. But that silence breeds frustration. Without clear performance expectations, trust erodes, not because leaders don’t care, but because they’ve failed to lead.
Truth Bomb: Empathy means being clear and kind at the same time.
Why Women Have More Empathy, and Pay the Price
Women often develop empathy as a survival skill, not because we’re wired that way but because we’ve had to manage power imbalances.
We’ve learned to read the room, navigate mood swings, adjust delivery, absorb frustration, and tread carefully to avoid upsetting the members of Club Patriarchy.
We know how to lead with empathy because we’ve had no choice. But don’t mistake this for a reward. Our empathy is repackaged as emotionality. As one woman on my coaching call said today, “I’m seen as being too friendly.” WTF.
We’re told to be more assertive. Then we’re told we’re too much.
Truth Bomb: The empathy double standard costs women credibility, progression, and pay.
Meanwhile, Old Mate displays a single sliver of empathy, and suddenly, he’s the second coming of Brené Brown.
Empathy Is Strategic
Empathy improves cohesion.
It lowers attrition.
It sharpens decisions by widening perspectives.
It spots issues before they explode.
It lays the groundwork for trust, performance, and growth.
Promoting empathy and EQ helps dismantle patriarchal systems. When leaders see how others experience the workplace, it becomes harder to ignore inequality.
Truth Bomb: Empathy makes injustice visible.
A high-empathy leader recognises exclusion, listens to the unheard, and creates space for what’s been missing.
From Conversation to Action
If you lead a team
Your job is to lead humans. If you’re emotionally illiterate, you’re not leading. Grow your EQ. Seek feedback. Learn how to listen. Practice until your impact aligns with your intentions.
If you’re building leadership pipelines
Stop promoting based on charisma, confidence and technical skill alone. Demand emotional intelligence. Prioritise people who can lead with clarity, care, and courage.
If you’re a woman navigating this mess
Your empathy is your leadership edge. You don’t need to shrink it or apologise for it. You need to recognise it as the strategic asset it is.
Truth Bomb: The Absence of Empathy Is a Design Flaw
Patriarchy created leadership models built on control and detachment. That’s the original fault line.
We can redesign.
I’m building a new model. One where leaders know what they cause. One where EQ is the rule, not the exception.
One where empathy holds power, not shame.
Want to Lead with Real Impact? Build Your Emotional Intelligence Skills, too.
Most workplaces say they value empathy, but very few develop it. That’s why I’ve created a practical EQ Leadership Toolkit exclusively for paid Truth Bomb Times subscribers.
If you’re ready to stop guessing what you cause as a leader and start knowing, it’s time to sharpen your emotional intelligence skills.
Inside the toolkit, I’m giving paid subscribers a reflection guide, a raw and real book extract on vulnerability, a self-assessment quiz, and a set of prompts to help you lead with clarity, care, and confidence.
This is the work that sets real leaders apart.
To access the toolkit and get serious about leading with EQ, upgrade to a paid subscription below. It’s $8 a month or $80 a year. That’s less than one bad leadership course and a whole lot more effective.
Paid Subscribers: Your EQ Leadership Toolkit
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