Why I Want Women to Treat Getting Married Just Like a Business Deal
Truth Bomb: I’m fed up watching women walk in blind and walk out broken. That’s why I want a checklist to help women protect their power, assets, and options, before they move in or marry a man.
Truth Bomb: I am fed up watching women walk in blind and walk out broken.
Marriage, especially heterosexual marriage, is still one of the riskiest things a woman can enter into. Yet the patriarchy coaches women to plan weddings, not their lives. This article is my feminist case for treating marriage like the legal and financial contract it is. I share a snippet of my personal story, some essential feminist wisdom, and the checklist I wish I had before I moved in with a man. Before you cohabit or marry, read this, and get the tools to protect your power, your assets, and your options.
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About Me
I’m Michelle Redfern, unapologetically fierce, flawesome, quite sweary, and globally sought-after for my work in gender equality, diversity, and inclusion. I’m the go-to strategist for workplaces and sports organisations that are fed up with talking and ready to do something about gender equity.
When not dismantling patriarchal nonsense, I’m enabling ambitious women to lead powerfully and strategically. I do that through my award-winning book The Leadership Compass, no-BS podcasts The Lead to Soar Podcast and The Fed Up Club, and the Lead to Soar Network.
I don’t do fluff. I do feminism. I build systems that make work and life work better for women.
Please Just Stop It!
Stop the patriarchal bullshit that coaches women to plan the wedding. Start preparing them to live powerful, independent lives within or outside of marriage.
Truth Bomb: Marriage is still one of the most dangerous and financially risky institutions for women, particularly when it comes to heterosexual relationships.
I know this from personal experience and because women tell me it over and over again.
I've been divorced. And it was messy, distressing, and emotionally violent. That makes me one of many women who have navigated this clusterfuck of a situation.
Too many women are still devastated financially, professionally, and emotionally when a relationship ends. And far too many walk into marriage without a clue what the real risks are. This must change.
, in her searing book I Don’t: The Case Against Marriage, makes it clear that marriage is not just a personal decision but a structural one. In her words,Marriage is a patriarchal institution that continues to benefit men at the expense of women.
Ford doesn't argue against love or connection, but she demands we confront the power imbalances baked into the institution of marriage itself. As reviewed in the AFR (Why women should never get married. Ever), the book is a powerful wake-up call.
Truth Bomb: Who really benefits when women marry?
Enter: The Checklist
So, after a conversation with my friend Mel, I decided to make a checklist. It is definitely not cute or romantic. It is very strategic. I want women to enter into a relationship with a strategy, not blind trust or, worse, hope.
This checklist is designed to help women who are cohabiting or marrying men. I hope it will help start a conversation before you're knee-deep in shared mortgages, kids, and mental load inequality.
What You Should Know Before You Move In or Marry a Man
1. Does he celebrate your success?
If your brilliance causes him to retreat, he’s not the right partner for you. You deserve someone who cheers for your victories, rather than someone who feels the need to compete with you. Or be resentful when your star is on the rise.
2. Can you leave financially?
Can you walk away and still support yourself? Financial independence is not optional. Please know your numbers! Invest in a Fuck Off Fund.
3. Have you got a legal and financial plan?
Prenup. Separate bank accounts. Clear property ownership. As
"Women need to approach marriage as if it is a business transaction separate from the love story."
4. Is he competent at life admin and domestic labour?
Or are you about to become his unpaid project manager? AKA the 1950s housewife.
"Writer, activist, mother, urban farmer, and perennial troublemaker”,
of Liberating Motherhood wrote:"If your kid's father cannot competently parent on his own without oversight and reminders, he is not a good father. That means feeding them decent food, putting them to bed, installing a car seat, doing their hair... Not doing them or learning how is a choice."
5. Does he weaponise incompetence?
Pretending he is bad at stuff so he does not have to do it is not a quirk. It is manipulation. Do not enable it. Anywhere!
6. Does he parent or does he babysit?
Dads do not babysit their own kids. They parent. Or they do not. That distinction matters.
7. Can you talk about the mental load? My friend Mel also mentioned a great resource, Zach Watson, the Invisible Load Coach. Share his content with your partner and watch his reaction. That alone is a diagnosis!
8. Have you discussed who does what? If one of you handles cooking, the other does laundry. If one organises gifts, the other manages the calendar. No more defaulting to mum as manager of everything that makes life happen.
9. Can you be your full, ambitious self in this relationship? Or do you have to shrink to make him feel bigger? Be honest with yourself now, your future self will thank you.
10. Do you like your life?
Where do you see yourself in five years? Still seeking permission from a partner who does not respect your power? Or building the life you actually want?
What I Wish I Knew at 21
At 21, I did not know how to ask for what I needed. I did not even know what I needed. I felt the pressure to be married and not to be an abject failure for failing to land a bloke. I wanted desperately to conform and create a life where I could fit in, belong and “be normal”. Patriarchy has a lot to answer for!
By 30, I knew my life was not what I wanted.
By 35, I was rebuilding it.
Now, at 60, I am sharing what I have learned so other women do not have to spend years unlearning the bullshit that patriarchy fed us.
If All Else Fails … Get Out!
There is no badge of honour for staying in a relationship that is draining the life forces from you. There is no gold star for tolerating emotional violence, chronic disrespect, or unpaid servitude disguised as love.
Staying "for the sake of the kids," because you're worried about him, or because you're worried people will think you're selfish, are all tools of patriarchal conditioning. They are part of a system designed to gaslight women into staying small and stuck.
Truth Bomb: You get one life. One. And you deserve to live it fully, freely, and fiercely.
Women need divorce coaches, not life coaches. When I flippantly posted that, I genuinely was not aware that this was a thing. If you have the means, find one!
Whatever happens, find your support crew. Many of us have been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. We want to share our experiences and support other women to leave the shitty relationships and a life NOT well lived.
If you need support to leave, here are some resources that some very smart women have sent my way.
Note: I do not endorse any specific provider. Use these resources as starting points.
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