Are These Common Words Silencing Women? Please Allow Me to Rant!

From ‘shrill’ to ‘bossy’, a field guide to the patriarchy’s preferred vocabulary.

I am aware that asking people to be more aware of their language may put me in the easy-to-criticise territory of being “woke”. I have no issue with being called woke BTW, but I digress.

The truth (bomb) is that words shape our reality. So when I was accused of being on “another rant” albet in a lighthearted way, recently, I thought FTS (fuck this shit!) why are my words a rant, but a blokes words are something different, and by default, more legitimate?

In this piece, I am highlighting my frustration about how everyday language choices silence, diminish, and infantilise women while men are praised, legitimised, and glorified for the same behaviours.

Once again, I am supplementing my thoughts with the responses crowdsourced from my network of Substack sisters (and one man), who like me, are fucking fed up with the linguistic double standards and want to start dismantling them.

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Why I Asked: Why Is It a “Rant” When a Woman Speaks Out?

I threw the question out to my network:

Why is it a “rant” when a woman speaks up? What is the male equivalent?

The answers rolled in fast and furious.

“Mantrum” was a clear favourite.

Sulk, tantrum, tirade, and diatribe all made appearances as well.

Dina Honour

nailed it when she said women’s anger is never given legitimacy, while men’s emotions are conveniently reframed as passion.

One respondent even painted the usual scene:

The guy in the tweed jacket with the pipe, patiently explaining that women are “overwrought” and “excitable” while completely missing the point. How convenient.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I got a lot of bahahahaha moments from this post, and similar ones I’ve posted in the past. But I want us to go deeper.

Truth Bomb: This is how language is used to diminish women’s credibility, especially when we dare to have a strong opinion, raise our voices, or refuse to settle.

Truth Bomb: If language shapes reality, then language is still doing a pretty shit job for women.

The Rant Versus the “Impassioned Speech”

When men get fired up, lose their temper, or demand action, they are called strong, passionate, and decisive. They are called leaders, or those who display “leader-like qualities.” I mean, look at the men on the global stage who have thrown tantrums recently, Trumpty Dumpty, for example. He chucks a tantrum about tariffs and tanks global markets.

What if a woman were to do the same? How would she be labelled?

You will be able to cast your mind back, not very far, and recall the words used to describe women leaders like Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Julia Gillard, Angela Merkel, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and of course most recently, Kamala Harris.

They’ve been labelled:

Nasty. Witch. Shrill. Crazy. Dour. A Bitch. Angry Black Woman.

We mere mortals are similarly labelled when we have the temerity to speak up on behalf of ourselves and others with descriptors like:

• Shrill

• Bossy

• Emotional

• Dramatic

• Hysterical.

I tackled a similar double standard recently when I wrote about ambition. Read that full article here

Dr.

Bette A. Ludwig, PhD 🌱

summed it up perfectly:

“When people talk about ambition in women, it often carries a negative undertone. It brings to mind someone who’s a climber, someone who puts herself ahead of her family or personal life. Saying ‘she’s ambitious’ rarely feels like a compliment. But flip it — say ‘he’s ambitious’ — and suddenly it’s a positive, admirable trait. The double standard is hard to ignore.”

Same ambition. Different words.

Same leadership. Different price to pay.

Truth Bomb: If women are being policed at the level of the language that we use, and is used about us, we are not being judged on merit. We are being judged on how manageable and malleable we are.

Can I repeat FTS? Yes, I shall!

The Words That Shrink Women

Here’s what my Substack community came up with when I asked them for words women are lumbered with that men are not:

• Shrill

• Strident

• Bossy

• Nagging

• Hysterical

• Emotional

• Dramatic

• Feisty

• High maintenance

No doubt you will have some to add to this list. If you do, please post about it, because knowledge is power!

Now here’s the list of words predominantly used about men:

• Strong

• Powerful

• Assertive

• Intellectual

• Passionate

• Type A

• Confident

• Ambitious

How do you feel about that? If you’re not feeling irritated or uncomfortable, keep reading. Actually, keep reading anyway!

How Male Emotion Gets a Free Pass

When men lose their shit (see the aforementioned orange fool), society pats them on the back for being passionate, showing strength or vision.

My network of Substack sisters responded in ways that were brutal and brilliant about how they describe men losing their shit:

“Mantrum.”

“Tantrum disguised as thought leadership.”

“Overwrought visionary who just needs time to decompress.”

Meanwhile, if a woman raises her voice, anywhere, she becomes the problem. The one who can’t manage herself. The one who isn’t “executive material” and is all of the aforementioned list of pejorative terms.

*cough* double bind and double standards anyone?

Why It Matters in Workplaces

Ok, workplace leaders, you are not off the hook. Just this week, I spoke with a talented woman who is fed up to the back teeth of being asked to “calm down” or “be less emotional” when she makes well-informed suggestions, or, worse still, challenges her colleagues about the direction the business is heading in.

I’ve written, posted, podcasted, and spoken many times about how women are more likely to receive feedback about their personality (“be more approachable”) rather than their performance (“increase client retention”).

So my advice to you right now is simple. Stop it!!

Truth Bomb: If there are two languages in your workplace, one for men and one for women, I can guarantee that your talented women will start voting with their feet, and most certainly with their ideas and productivity. Your choice if you want to maintain a risk like that in your organisation.

Time to Get Serious

I think that by understanding how gendered these words and phrases really are, and making a serious, conscious effort to stop doing this, we can collectively stop shrinking women.

One way to do that is to ask yourself. Would I say that about a man? Would I use that word to describe a man’s behaviour?

Truth Bomb: Language used thoughtlessly will subtly police, discipline, and shrink women. Language is a tool of the patriarchy.

I for one refuse to allow the patriarchy to shrink us into smaller, less threatening, less difficult, less powerful versions of ourselves.

So, if you claim to be serious about gender equity, start by taking the language you use, and that others use in the workplace (actually anywhere), seriously.

• Audit performance feedback. Are there two languages being used, differentiated by gender?

• Audit job advertisements and position descriptions for gendered language. Use this free tool.

• Hold managers accountable for the words they use to describe potential and performance.

• Call it in when you hear tone policing of women. Ask yourself: would that be the same if it was a man speaking?

• Praise women for being clear, decisive, direct, and strategic, not just nice, accommodating, or caring.

• Praise men for being nice, accommodating or caring.

And if you are a woman leader reading this, find your voice, stand out, and be supported.

Truth Bomb: The people determined to silence women will find a problem no matter how quietly women tiptoe. So we may as well speak up and burn down the bullshit.

Newsflash, I am here to support women in doing that.

Final Word (because I like having the last word)

I could not be less interested in fitting the narrow language box built for women.

Now, this hasn’t been a lifelong trait; I have surrendered to patriarchal expectations in more ways than you’ve had hot dinners. But now, with all the knowledge and experience that I have, I know that trying to fit into a patriarchal boys club language model is completely and utterly pointless, and frankly, really fucking harmful. (for me and everyone else on the planet)

So, I will not modulate my tone, smile more, or speak with less forthrightness, I will not!

I will not somehow become more “likable” and therefore more worthy if I continue to conform, and my dear, neither will you.

Words are weapons. Words are tools.

Choose yours. Use them.

Wield them without apology.

FTS.

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About Michelle Redfern

Michelle is the unapologetically fierce, quite sweary, globally sought-after architect of workplace gender equality, diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI). She’s the go-to strategist for businesses and sports organisations ready to stop talking and start doing DEI right. When she’s not dismantling barriers for women leaders, Michelle is busy helping them build careers that soar!

Author of The Leadership Compass: The Ultimate Guide for Women Leaders to Reach Their Full Potential (yes, it’s a must-read) and mastermind behind The Advancing Women in Sport Report Series, Michelle also moonlights as a seasoned non-executive director.

Michelle also shares her wisdom in her fearless, frank and forthright way on LinkedIn. Go on, connect.

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